#1107 nothing feels worse than knowing you have disappointed someone you love

Nudity & Sex Exposition ("art" as an excuse)

photo collage from imgarcade.com // photo from the film Like Crazy (which is a beautiful film)

Recently, I have indulged myself in the world of films and it's beautiful. But most of the time I find myself so distracted with films which expose nudity and sex. I have heard the it-is-art excuse numerous times from people. The "grow up!" phrase has been thrown at me repeatedly and so I continued watching films without any complaint. Eventually, I got used to it. But still, deep down in my being, part of me gets disturbed every time I see artists perform such acts of "art". 

Well, I actually agree that nudity and sex are forms of art. Both are God's creation. In fact, I would agree that both are such beautiful arts. But nudity and sex, these are the kinds of art which are so valuable that they are not meant for public use and display. Its amazing Artist designed it as something so precious that it is only  meant to be viewed and enjoyed by a single person --- no, not for a boyfriend/girlfriend of the person involved, but for whom he/she will spend the rest of existence with... & that is, in the context of marriage. 

Sex is one of the ultimate in art. Like I mentioned, it is so precious that it is designed within the context of marriage. It is very saddening that many people have degraded such art into something so cheap. Sex is so precious that it requires a commitment before a couple can take pleasure on it. When we do it before marriage, not only do we spoil God's original design, but it's also as if we tell the God of all creation, "I know better"... which is absurd because God is the one who created it. People who misuse this kind of art only means they do not know its Creator enough to not know how and what it's originally designed for. 

I would like to say that there are lots of beautiful films with artistic representation of lovemaking without exposing too much. I pray that may filmmakers learn of using alternative artistic ways of portraying sex without the actors actually doing it and exposing much of themselves publicly. And that may sex be finally portrayed the right way. 

& lastly, for you. You are an art. You are a masterpiece. Know your worth (& you are worth more than anything in God's eyes), for those who are aware what they're worth never settle for any less. 

The Prodigal Daughter

It was the day when the colors burst in the skies. A princess sat by a room’s window in a palace made of gold. She marveled at the slow dance of colors of soft blue, pink and orange. After a moment, a flock of birds flew by from a short distance and she thought to herself, “If only I could taste such freedom!” And in an instant, she hurried down the palace to the king’s room and pleaded, “Oh father, give me all my possessions so I could fly as high as the birds in the skies! I ask for such freedom!” The king, seated on his bed, was startled by his daughter’s plea but showed not a hint of it. Calmly, he rose from his seat and held her daughter’s hand. “Why do you demand such a thing? Didn't I already give you that? You have the whole palace, and everything you could ever ask for! What freedom is it that you desire for yourself?” asked the king. And the daughter released her hand from her father’s grasp, “I know what I want, you need not to decide for me. Please give me my possession and I shall start a new life, and build a palace of my own.” Despite the king’s negation, the princess still pursued. He was downhearted. It grieved him to see her daughter flee away but he had no power over her decision.  

Miles and miles away from the kingdom she knew, the princess spent the possession she had extravagantly over all the things that she desired. In no time, she had gained the attention of the world. A magnitude of people came to admire her and longed to be acquainted with her. And she reveled at all the adornment she received. But as time passed by, the princess grew weary of her life. For a moment, it crossed her mind to go back to her father’s palace but the princess was full of such pride that she shook the thought away. And so, she sought out to fill in the void by getting involved with a string of princes that came her way. She lavished her love to each prince but none of them satisfied her enough. Worse, one prince to whom she poured so much of her affection only left her feeling emptier than before. And so one night, as she was about to sail into the sea of dreams, she thought again of her father. Oh how she missed him! And that was when she found herself sailing in the sea of tears, instead. That night, she was overwhelmed by the realization of her mistakes. She realized how much lovelier, and much grander, her father’s gold palace was compared to her stone-built one. She realized how much she wasted of her possessions and most of all, of her heart. She had given much of it, too much of it that there was almost nothing left. And she wept until there was no more.

Then came the next day, just as the sun set, the princess packed her things and with nothing of her pride left, she traveled back to the palace that she ran away from. But not even half on her journey, she came across a familiar carriage and soon enough, its owner registered on her mind – it was her father’s! She jumped from her carriage and stood on the way. The carriage halted. And the princess wondered what her father was about to do with her. He must be furious, so furious that he went on his way to punish her! But then came out the king, and with tears in his eyes he said, “my child, my precious child, I have looked for you everywhere” and he ran into her and wrapped her in the tightest and warmest embrace she had ever received. The princess was in tears that she almost choked up on her words, “aren't you mad at me? I have done you wrong” “My love for you compares not to the magnitude of the things you did” was all her father answered.

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You see, I was that princess. And many times I had run away from my King. I traded Him for earthly pleasures only to find myself drowning in the land of tears. And the moment I decided to come back to Him, to where I truly belonged, not even half of my journey I already found Him reaching out to me. And all I could say that time was, “I’m sorry”, though I knew it would never amount up to the magnitude of my sins. But all I ever heard from Him was, “I will not upbraid you of your sins. I will wash them away into oblivion. My grace is sufficient for you. And my child, I have waited for you to come back.” I couldn't understand why such love and grace were being bestowed upon me when I clearly deserved the other way. But His thoughts are higher than mine, and my little mind could only comprehend so much. And He saw my shattered heart and told me to hand it over to Him, “I will mend your heart, and I will make you a new creation.” He said. Now, I am completely healed, restored, purified. And I realized that there is no other love that can ever compare to His love for me. I am not worthy. But that’s how great His love is, it reaches the undeserving.  And this is more than enough to keep me from running away.

I thought about the day when I saw a flock of birds during a sunset. I wanted to gain freedom. But I realized that choosing to do what is evil is not freedom at all, it is slavery. Like a bird trapped inside a cage. But His blood freed me, and I am ready to soar up high. So now, when the skies burst its colors, I am reminded of the day I ran away and more so, of the day I was found. I hear Him say, “I love you, forever.” And with the last remains of sunset, I whisper back “I love You, too.”

He will not always accuse, nor will He harbor his anger forever;

He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.

For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His love for those who fear Him;

As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.

(Psalm 103: 9-12) 

to my one & only love

Dear future mate,

         I know this is quite queer... but I can't just contain all my emotions at the moment. With all the things I've learned recently about true love, I can't help but feel a pang of guilt. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I've been impatient. I've given my emotions, which should be reserved for you alone, away to people who don't rightfully own it. I have done things with the wrong people, things which should only be experienced with you. I have opened myself up to the wrong people emotionally and spiritually, when I should have waited to express myself in the most intimate way with you and you alone. And I am so sorry for letting them defraud you of these things. In the same way, I have also defrauded their future spouses of the same things. I am so sorry for stealing hearts away, and for letting the wrong people steal mine away. 

But fortunately, there's this amazing God who is so mighty He was able to put and restore pieces of my heart together again. I know I've sinned against you, but more than anyone, I know I've sinned most against Him. But with just one call, He bestowed me forgiveness... the kind of forgiveness that remembers my sins no more. It was so beautiful. And because of this, I am constantly inspired to keep moving forward as His new creation. Because of Him, I am encouraged to keep striving for purity - in both areas of physical and emotional. I have been so foolish to rush love, to write my own love story that I forgot the Love himself has the power to create the best one for me. How foolish was I to think that I could rival with the greatest Author in all history? But one could never comprehend His power to forgive and love the undeserving. And so, it is just proper to do the same. I forgive you, my love. Perhaps you've also doled your heart away to the wrong girls in the past. Perhaps at this very moment, you are holding the wrong person's hand, kissing the wrong lips, addressing those three words to the wrong recipient. It is not the best thing to imagine, but I know that it is possibly the exact scenario taking place right now, wherever you are. But know that when the time comes, I will look at you intently with same love and forgiveness God has given me. 

And I will wait for you. I have said this thousands of times before, and many times I've failed. Along my previous waiting experience, I came across few guys which made me compromise. But that was because I didn't have God with me on the journey. This time, I am more determined than I ever was to wait for you. I know that this time, I am not depending on my own strength but in His. I am fully aware that this is going to be hard, and there will be many times when I will be tempted to compromise again. But please be comforted that I will not,ever again, settle for any less. Be comforted that even at this very moment, I am already committed to you. 

I promise to withhold all the emotions and all forms of intimacy from any person until you come along, until God says it's time. And through Him, no matter how ugly the past was, I know that my future with you is going to be a beautiful adventure. Everything is going to be so beautiful and lovely. Everything will feel like first times, again. There are so many wonderful things to do... from watching marvelous sunrises and sunsets, having silly talks and deep conversations about life, chasing the end of the rainbow, counting constellations, overcoming fears, to exploring and capturing the beautiful things of the world... And man, I choose to experience it all with you and you alone. It will be so lovely having to be so intimate with someone I'm certain I'll spend the rest of my life with. And whilst we grow deeper into our relationship,we will also grow deeper together into our relationship with the One who crafted our story. I am so thrilled. Marriage is going to be so beautiful. And when that moment comes, we'll both know that the Author of love has written a far more beautiful story than any other film or book one has ever created.  

emotional purity

You are worth the commitment. 

I have been reiterating these words to myself recently. I want my mind, heart and soul to absorb the value of this statement. One thing common to all the involvements I had with guys before was this - a dearth of commitment. And all heartbreaks, I realized tardily, well up from lacking this very thing. 

I used to be an emotional prostitute. Giving my heart and emotions away freely to all the guys who came my direction. I fought so hard to deny this to myself, because it was such a shame to be called a prostitute of any form. But there was no use fooling one's self. I looked back at all the relationships I had and what an unfortunate thing to confirm that I was, truly, some sort of freebie. I opened myself to guys too much and bestowed emotions which did not rightfully belong to them. I became emotionally intimate with a string of guys without ever defining the relationship I had with them. Like any other girls, I've always wished for a happily ever after. I had wished for it in every relationship I had, but I've only realized lately that all the signs were there - those guys were not offering me such thing. Most of them only wanted me for a period of time, but not quite forever as I'd expected. The error was so clear, but I hadn't taken the time to focus on it. There was never an assurance of loyalty, of future plans... man, there was never a plan. There was never a commitment. All was just focused on the momentary pleasure emotional intimacy offered. 

Commitment first, and then intimacy.

I have learned that intimacy always comes right after commitment. In the book I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Josh Harris mentioned it a number of times: 

"The joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment."

The same thing can be said about the most important relationship we could ever have - our relationship with Christ. Heather Arnel Paulsen puts it like this in her book, Emotional Purity:

"Many of you would say that friendship is important in marriage, and I would wholeheartedly agree, but are you an intimate friend with Christ before you make a commitment? No! You grow into a deeply intimate friendship with Christ after you make a commitment."

After a long contemplation and many prayers, God gave me wisdom and helped me point out these errors I have committed in my previous relationships. He forgave me of my sins, healed my wounds and the best of all is that He restored my heart. It was a painful realization but surely, it would benefit me in the long run. And so, I made my stand. 

I will no longer give away pieces of my heart to just any guy who would come my direction. I will no longer open myself up too much and develop deep emotional attachments to just any person without ever defining one's motives and the assurance of commitment. And whilst physical purity is important, emotional purity is also of such equal importance... for emotional intimacy will bring about physical intimacy (Emotional Purity). I will no longer invest emotions on just any guy but rather, save it up for the one. Some say waiting wastes so much time. But I disagree. Sometimes, waiting saves more than just time... it can save a person from heartbreaks, disappointments, regrets and failures. And so I will wait. I will wait for him, and for the right time when God will orchestrate our very first meeting. Or the very moment when we'll both realize we are the rightful owners of each other, just in case I have already met him. Everything will again feel like first times. All the holding hands, kisses, deep conversations and intimacy I have withheld from any guy for a long time will then again feel like firsts with him. It will be a beautiful adventure of discovery. And so I will keep my heart guarded until the right man comes along to offer me a wonderful commitment for life.

Until then, I will praise the Lord as I wait. I will focus on Him and on being the woman that He wants me to be. I will perpetually remind myself that only and only because of Him that I can love wholeheartedly again despite doling away pieces of my heart in the past. That it is only through Him that the memory of being an emotional prostitute once was put into oblivion for eternity. It is through Him that I am a new creation. It is through & in Him that I found my true worth. Whilst my future spouse will certainly give me joy, my heart knows that the Lord is my ultimate source of joy and contentment. And even after my prince comes along, He will always be the King of my heart and life. Forever. 

(to learn more about emotional purity, I strongly suggest Emotional Purity by Heather Arnel Paulsen)

hey girls

Once, there was a girl who grew up believing in fairy tales. She loved the idea that a knight in shining armor would come to rescue her from distress. For a while, she waited and anticipated for his arrival. But as time passed by, her rope of patience snapped and she sought out her missing prince. She brought her heart with her, ready to give it away once she finds her knight. Along her quest, she came across a number of princes. She met one prince and asked, "are you my missing prince?" and the prince answered, "yes, I am!" and then, she gave away a piece of her heart. But to the girl's dismay, she found out that he was not the prince she was looking for. And so she continued her venture in finding her missing prince. But not so long, she then again met a prince and asked the same question, "are you my missing prince?"  and the prince answered, "maybe, I am" and then, she gave away a piece of her heart. For a moment, they were happy. But one day, to her dismay, the prince ran away and left her. With a heavy feeling, she moved forward and went on with her journey to find her missing prince. Along the way, she met, yet again, another prince. And the usual question was asked, "are you my missing prince?" and the prince answered, "surely, I am!" and she gave away a piece of her heart. But then, like any other princes she had met, this prince turned out to be the wrong one. So she went on with her quest, only a small portion of her heart left. The girl felt sad and desperate so when she met the next prince, there wasn't a question asked anymore but a plea, "please, be my prince!" and the prince said, "only if you let me have a kiss". The girl was taken aback with the prince's demand. But she was tired of searching, and she wanted this prince too much so she eventually agreed to grant his request. As time went on, the girl continued to grant the prince's request everyday, investing more and more pieces of her heart to the prince. Until one day, the prince got sick of her and went away without a word. The girl grieved and finally gave up the quest. She journeyed home and that was when she noticed a prince waiting by her door. The prince asked, "will you be my princess?". The girl was in shock. Here was the prince she was searching for all her life! She wanted to say yes to him but there was nothing left of her heart, for she had given it all away to the wrong ones. 

The girl in the story represents lots of girls in the world. Perhaps, at some point, you were that girl. Many times, we search for 'the missing prince', only to realize that we have been kissing the wrong frogs for the longest time. We give away pieces of our heart without ever contemplating if this so-called prince is the right one. We give ourselves away too soon, and grieve when this 'prince' disappears, taking away a huge part of ourselves. We become a give away, an emotional prostitute because we don't know our worth. And I want to tell you that you are so valuable, so precious. You are not a freebie. You are designed to be the one pursued, not the one who pursues. Don't fret if your prince takes too long to arrive, the Author of your love story knows what He's doing. And besides, your worth is not based whether you are in a relationship or not. So stop wasting your time venturing for the 'missing prince' because your prince is not missing. He is just around the corner and you are going to meet under the right circumstances in the right time. Guard your heart and save it up for him. You are designed for one and only one prince. Stop being a give away, an emotional prostitute, a freebie because you are not those things. You are worth discovering, worth figuring out and worth pursuing. Know your worth. 

stories in a star

"Some of the stars you'll see out there don't exist anymore," said my father, gently turning the knobs of the telescope with his thumb. The gears squeaked softly. "Some of the stars you'll see have been dead for thousands of years already." 

"What you'll see with this telescope are not the stars as they are today but how they were thousands of years ago," he went on. "That's how far away they are; even the light takes centuries to reach us."

I liked the idea, how the past could be preserved, fossilized, in the stars. I wanted to think that somewhere on the other end of time, a hundred light-years from then, someone else, some distant future creature, might be looking back at the preserved image of me and my father at that very moment in my bedroom.

- Julia /The Age of Miracles / Karen Thompson Walker

I love stars. They are one of the most wonderful creatures ever created. Every night, I look outside my window into the sky to see if the stars have already appeared. And as I gaze upon them, all I'm left with is a deep sigh... awestruck with its magnificent beauty. 

I've heard it long ago - that some stars have been dead for such a long time and what we see is only just an evidence, like footprints,  that they have existed once upon a time. But after numerous times of repetition, I still find myself amazed with the idea that stars can, in some bizarre way, preserve the past. 

I was at a camp last month and I was blessed with the pleasure of seeing millions of visible stars, after what seemed like eons. Sadly though, the gadget I had did not have enough power to capture it clearly. So I took my own kind of weapons to remind me of that beautiful moment... 

There were so many stars that night. As I stared at each one of them, standing in the middle of numerous trees in the darkness, I thought about the people who died years ago who had gazed at the very same stars that I was staring at in that very precise moment. I thought about what those stars meant to them, about what those tiny, sparkling dots had made them feel, about what and how many wishes they had whispered to every star, about the story behind their stargazing. 

As I stared at each star, it occurred to me that I wasn't just staring at some cosmic matter but also, staring back at the millions of wishes and stories from the past. And I realized that somewhere on the other end of time, a hundred light-years from then, someone else, some distant future creature, might be looking back at the preserved image of a girl, who stood alone in the middle of numerous trees in the darkness, stuck in amazement of the stars. 

I am just another story in a star.