to my one & only love

Dear future mate,

         I know this is quite queer... but I can't just contain all my emotions at the moment. With all the things I've learned recently about true love, I can't help but feel a pang of guilt. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I've been impatient. I've given my emotions, which should be reserved for you alone, away to people who don't rightfully own it. I have done things with the wrong people, things which should only be experienced with you. I have opened myself up to the wrong people emotionally and spiritually, when I should have waited to express myself in the most intimate way with you and you alone. And I am so sorry for letting them defraud you of these things. In the same way, I have also defrauded their future spouses of the same things. I am so sorry for stealing hearts away, and for letting the wrong people steal mine away. 

But fortunately, there's this amazing God who is so mighty He was able to put and restore pieces of my heart together again. I know I've sinned against you, but more than anyone, I know I've sinned most against Him. But with just one call, He bestowed me forgiveness... the kind of forgiveness that remembers my sins no more. It was so beautiful. And because of this, I am constantly inspired to keep moving forward as His new creation. Because of Him, I am encouraged to keep striving for purity - in both areas of physical and emotional. I have been so foolish to rush love, to write my own love story that I forgot the Love himself has the power to create the best one for me. How foolish was I to think that I could rival with the greatest Author in all history? But one could never comprehend His power to forgive and love the undeserving. And so, it is just proper to do the same. I forgive you, my love. Perhaps you've also doled your heart away to the wrong girls in the past. Perhaps at this very moment, you are holding the wrong person's hand, kissing the wrong lips, addressing those three words to the wrong recipient. It is not the best thing to imagine, but I know that it is possibly the exact scenario taking place right now, wherever you are. But know that when the time comes, I will look at you intently with same love and forgiveness God has given me. 

And I will wait for you. I have said this thousands of times before, and many times I've failed. Along my previous waiting experience, I came across few guys which made me compromise. But that was because I didn't have God with me on the journey. This time, I am more determined than I ever was to wait for you. I know that this time, I am not depending on my own strength but in His. I am fully aware that this is going to be hard, and there will be many times when I will be tempted to compromise again. But please be comforted that I will not,ever again, settle for any less. Be comforted that even at this very moment, I am already committed to you. 

I promise to withhold all the emotions and all forms of intimacy from any person until you come along, until God says it's time. And through Him, no matter how ugly the past was, I know that my future with you is going to be a beautiful adventure. Everything is going to be so beautiful and lovely. Everything will feel like first times, again. There are so many wonderful things to do... from watching marvelous sunrises and sunsets, having silly talks and deep conversations about life, chasing the end of the rainbow, counting constellations, overcoming fears, to exploring and capturing the beautiful things of the world... And man, I choose to experience it all with you and you alone. It will be so lovely having to be so intimate with someone I'm certain I'll spend the rest of my life with. And whilst we grow deeper into our relationship,we will also grow deeper together into our relationship with the One who crafted our story. I am so thrilled. Marriage is going to be so beautiful. And when that moment comes, we'll both know that the Author of love has written a far more beautiful story than any other film or book one has ever created.  

emotional purity

You are worth the commitment. 

I have been reiterating these words to myself recently. I want my mind, heart and soul to absorb the value of this statement. One thing common to all the involvements I had with guys before was this - a dearth of commitment. And all heartbreaks, I realized tardily, well up from lacking this very thing. 

I used to be an emotional prostitute. Giving my heart and emotions away freely to all the guys who came my direction. I fought so hard to deny this to myself, because it was such a shame to be called a prostitute of any form. But there was no use fooling one's self. I looked back at all the relationships I had and what an unfortunate thing to confirm that I was, truly, some sort of freebie. I opened myself to guys too much and bestowed emotions which did not rightfully belong to them. I became emotionally intimate with a string of guys without ever defining the relationship I had with them. Like any other girls, I've always wished for a happily ever after. I had wished for it in every relationship I had, but I've only realized lately that all the signs were there - those guys were not offering me such thing. Most of them only wanted me for a period of time, but not quite forever as I'd expected. The error was so clear, but I hadn't taken the time to focus on it. There was never an assurance of loyalty, of future plans... man, there was never a plan. There was never a commitment. All was just focused on the momentary pleasure emotional intimacy offered. 

Commitment first, and then intimacy.

I have learned that intimacy always comes right after commitment. In the book I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Josh Harris mentioned it a number of times: 

"The joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment."

The same thing can be said about the most important relationship we could ever have - our relationship with Christ. Heather Arnel Paulsen puts it like this in her book, Emotional Purity:

"Many of you would say that friendship is important in marriage, and I would wholeheartedly agree, but are you an intimate friend with Christ before you make a commitment? No! You grow into a deeply intimate friendship with Christ after you make a commitment."

After a long contemplation and many prayers, God gave me wisdom and helped me point out these errors I have committed in my previous relationships. He forgave me of my sins, healed my wounds and the best of all is that He restored my heart. It was a painful realization but surely, it would benefit me in the long run. And so, I made my stand. 

I will no longer give away pieces of my heart to just any guy who would come my direction. I will no longer open myself up too much and develop deep emotional attachments to just any person without ever defining one's motives and the assurance of commitment. And whilst physical purity is important, emotional purity is also of such equal importance... for emotional intimacy will bring about physical intimacy (Emotional Purity). I will no longer invest emotions on just any guy but rather, save it up for the one. Some say waiting wastes so much time. But I disagree. Sometimes, waiting saves more than just time... it can save a person from heartbreaks, disappointments, regrets and failures. And so I will wait. I will wait for him, and for the right time when God will orchestrate our very first meeting. Or the very moment when we'll both realize we are the rightful owners of each other, just in case I have already met him. Everything will again feel like first times. All the holding hands, kisses, deep conversations and intimacy I have withheld from any guy for a long time will then again feel like firsts with him. It will be a beautiful adventure of discovery. And so I will keep my heart guarded until the right man comes along to offer me a wonderful commitment for life.

Until then, I will praise the Lord as I wait. I will focus on Him and on being the woman that He wants me to be. I will perpetually remind myself that only and only because of Him that I can love wholeheartedly again despite doling away pieces of my heart in the past. That it is only through Him that the memory of being an emotional prostitute once was put into oblivion for eternity. It is through Him that I am a new creation. It is through & in Him that I found my true worth. Whilst my future spouse will certainly give me joy, my heart knows that the Lord is my ultimate source of joy and contentment. And even after my prince comes along, He will always be the King of my heart and life. Forever. 

(to learn more about emotional purity, I strongly suggest Emotional Purity by Heather Arnel Paulsen)

hey girls

Once, there was a girl who grew up believing in fairy tales. She loved the idea that a knight in shining armor would come to rescue her from distress. For a while, she waited and anticipated for his arrival. But as time passed by, her rope of patience snapped and she sought out her missing prince. She brought her heart with her, ready to give it away once she finds her knight. Along her quest, she came across a number of princes. She met one prince and asked, "are you my missing prince?" and the prince answered, "yes, I am!" and then, she gave away a piece of her heart. But to the girl's dismay, she found out that he was not the prince she was looking for. And so she continued her venture in finding her missing prince. But not so long, she then again met a prince and asked the same question, "are you my missing prince?"  and the prince answered, "maybe, I am" and then, she gave away a piece of her heart. For a moment, they were happy. But one day, to her dismay, the prince ran away and left her. With a heavy feeling, she moved forward and went on with her journey to find her missing prince. Along the way, she met, yet again, another prince. And the usual question was asked, "are you my missing prince?" and the prince answered, "surely, I am!" and she gave away a piece of her heart. But then, like any other princes she had met, this prince turned out to be the wrong one. So she went on with her quest, only a small portion of her heart left. The girl felt sad and desperate so when she met the next prince, there wasn't a question asked anymore but a plea, "please, be my prince!" and the prince said, "only if you let me have a kiss". The girl was taken aback with the prince's demand. But she was tired of searching, and she wanted this prince too much so she eventually agreed to grant his request. As time went on, the girl continued to grant the prince's request everyday, investing more and more pieces of her heart to the prince. Until one day, the prince got sick of her and went away without a word. The girl grieved and finally gave up the quest. She journeyed home and that was when she noticed a prince waiting by her door. The prince asked, "will you be my princess?". The girl was in shock. Here was the prince she was searching for all her life! She wanted to say yes to him but there was nothing left of her heart, for she had given it all away to the wrong ones. 

The girl in the story represents lots of girls in the world. Perhaps, at some point, you were that girl. Many times, we search for 'the missing prince', only to realize that we have been kissing the wrong frogs for the longest time. We give away pieces of our heart without ever contemplating if this so-called prince is the right one. We give ourselves away too soon, and grieve when this 'prince' disappears, taking away a huge part of ourselves. We become a give away, an emotional prostitute because we don't know our worth. And I want to tell you that you are so valuable, so precious. You are not a freebie. You are designed to be the one pursued, not the one who pursues. Don't fret if your prince takes too long to arrive, the Author of your love story knows what He's doing. And besides, your worth is not based whether you are in a relationship or not. So stop wasting your time venturing for the 'missing prince' because your prince is not missing. He is just around the corner and you are going to meet under the right circumstances in the right time. Guard your heart and save it up for him. You are designed for one and only one prince. Stop being a give away, an emotional prostitute, a freebie because you are not those things. You are worth discovering, worth figuring out and worth pursuing. Know your worth. 

stories in a star

"Some of the stars you'll see out there don't exist anymore," said my father, gently turning the knobs of the telescope with his thumb. The gears squeaked softly. "Some of the stars you'll see have been dead for thousands of years already." 

"What you'll see with this telescope are not the stars as they are today but how they were thousands of years ago," he went on. "That's how far away they are; even the light takes centuries to reach us."

I liked the idea, how the past could be preserved, fossilized, in the stars. I wanted to think that somewhere on the other end of time, a hundred light-years from then, someone else, some distant future creature, might be looking back at the preserved image of me and my father at that very moment in my bedroom.

- Julia /The Age of Miracles / Karen Thompson Walker

I love stars. They are one of the most wonderful creatures ever created. Every night, I look outside my window into the sky to see if the stars have already appeared. And as I gaze upon them, all I'm left with is a deep sigh... awestruck with its magnificent beauty. 

I've heard it long ago - that some stars have been dead for such a long time and what we see is only just an evidence, like footprints,  that they have existed once upon a time. But after numerous times of repetition, I still find myself amazed with the idea that stars can, in some bizarre way, preserve the past. 

I was at a camp last month and I was blessed with the pleasure of seeing millions of visible stars, after what seemed like eons. Sadly though, the gadget I had did not have enough power to capture it clearly. So I took my own kind of weapons to remind me of that beautiful moment... 

There were so many stars that night. As I stared at each one of them, standing in the middle of numerous trees in the darkness, I thought about the people who died years ago who had gazed at the very same stars that I was staring at in that very precise moment. I thought about what those stars meant to them, about what those tiny, sparkling dots had made them feel, about what and how many wishes they had whispered to every star, about the story behind their stargazing. 

As I stared at each star, it occurred to me that I wasn't just staring at some cosmic matter but also, staring back at the millions of wishes and stories from the past. And I realized that somewhere on the other end of time, a hundred light-years from then, someone else, some distant future creature, might be looking back at the preserved image of a girl, who stood alone in the middle of numerous trees in the darkness, stuck in amazement of the stars. 

I am just another story in a star. 

Escapist

Some days you just want to have that day. That day when you just want to drive away without any particular destination, just letting yourself take you anywhere until you decide where to go. Then after some time, pull over the car to an uncrowded beach and listen to the sound of waves and watch the reflection of sun as it glitters in the water. Swim a bit, drink, eat, and swim some more. After a while, pack your things and drive away again and again until you reach an uncrowded park. An uncrowded place is what you look for because some days you just want to isolate/detach yourself from the world. And yes, there, in that park, you lay on the grass under the shade of a huge tree. Feel the gentleness of wind as you stare at the moving clouds. You read a book or two until the sun begins to set. And again, you drive away, pulling the windows down, letting the gush of wind blow your hair in the air as the orange light touches your face, the haziest hint that the night is soon approaching. And then, you pull over the side of the road overlooking the rest of the city. You smile as you stare at all the flickering lights down below from houses and buildings. You let out a sigh of happiness and you think at the back of your mind, so this is how it's like to witness the world from above. You feel relieved and amazed at the sight of it for all the loneliness, heartbreak and whatever kind of pain present down there seemed so small, even invisible, from where you are. At last, the sun has set and the scintillating stars are uniformly spread out across the blanket of sky. You stay a bit longer and gaze upon the beauty not just of the stars, but of it all. You breathe air, and hold it for a few moments before you let it out. Finally, you whisper to yourself before driving home; I want to have this day again. 

Year-End

It is 6.46am of Dec. 25,2013 as I am typing this post.Yes, Christmas!!! Merry Christmas, everyone :) 

With only 6 days left for 2013, I reckon it's safe to say that this year has been willlldddd. 2013 has been a year of massive challenges and blessings for my family. 

As most of you know, my dad resigned from his former job for about 2 years ago, which basically makes him an unemployed person for 2 years. More to that, my mom also resigned a few years earlier than my dad, which makes them both unemployed. A year ago, I stopped school mainly because of two reasons; first was financial issues and the second one, I decided to just keep to myself.  I would be hypocrite to say that it was 'easy breezy' to have undergone all those challenges. It wasn't. It was insanely hard, to be honest. But it was bearable. Well, everything we undergo is bearable. As the old proverb goes, 'God never gives a burden you can't bear'. And true enough, we were able to surpass every obstacle. God has been so faithful in our lives. It's insane. Imagine both of your parents are unemployed with electricity and water bills to pay and other necessities to sustain,  plus 2 kids who are both enrolled in private schools (I was still studying by this time). That went on for 2 years. Imagine. How were we able to survive? I don't know any better answer than because God sustains us. He has blessed my dad with projects enough (and sometimes more than enough)  to sustain us for a whole year. It wasn't a stable job, though. We never know whenever another project's coming up and there were times when we worry about our expenses but just then, God grants another project! TWO YEARS WITHOUT PERMANENT JOB OF BOTH PARENTS YET WE NEVER MISSED A SINGLE MEAL IN A DAY. I just had to capitalize and bold it because I am just so amazed. Life is full of uncertainties but when you have God, you have nothing to worry about. And another massive blessing I've received this year is that I went back to school (and it's a good school!). I swear I still don't have any idea how we are able to pay my school expenses (and my brother's who's also enrolled in a private school) considering that my mom is still completely unemployed and my dad has no permanent job. I have no intention to boast about us going to private schools, what I am boasting about here is my amazing awesome wonderful great God who sustains us in a completely insane and mysterious way we never know how He does it!!! I am highly grateful to Him because He has never left/abandoned us. He has given us huge blessings even when sometimes I feel like I don't deserve it. He is amazing just that. And I believe He can do the same amazing things to you! 

As 2013 ends, I hope you reflect back on what God has blessed you this year. You think it may not be as grand as the others, but I believe there are no 'small' blessings. Everything is just as amazing as the others such as you are still able to pay your bills, you still have your job, you still have time to be with your loved ones, you are still able to breathe air, you are still able to see the sun and the stars and the skies, you are still alive & you are still able to gaze upon the beauty of what God has made. There are millions of blessings you receive, you just have to realize it. Together, let us look forward to another year full of challenges (because it is ever so present) but more of blessings to come! God bless us all :) 

apparently, i'm interesting...

I never really labeled myself as a "cool" kid. Never did I consider myself as someone who'd catch other's attention. If you've read my previous blog posts, you'll know that I mentioned, most of the time I go unnoticed. So when someone recently told me 'you're interesting', my initial reaction was 'I am??!' 

I will never know whether that person was telling the truth or not. But for a moment, it offered me a bit of confidence. It's nice to know that someone still notices you even though you're not, in any way, noticeable.