Dear Daddy

I am sorry.  

I haven't been a good daughter. I said I'd follow You & that I'd die to my old self, but I still lived somehow on my own. I played deaf to Your voice. I took You for granted. I misrepresented You.

But You, Daddy, are good and ready to forgive; and Your tender mercies are over all Your works. (Psalms 14:5-9) 

No matter how far I've walked away, with just one call... You answer me. And that is, You welcome me with open arms. Not even once do You upbraid me. You release forgiveness freely. And despite the numerous times I've sinned, You gladly offer me the greatest love that surpasses knowledge. 

Thank You. 

Brokenness Aside - All Sons & Daughters 

Stories

The world is made up of stories. Some are history, some are now, and others to be told tomorrow. 

The birds' unending flight. A tiny sycamore seed planted on the ground which years from now will become a gigantic playground, perhaps a safe place for someone who wants to see what the world looks like from above. A small particle of a broken glass which was once part of a whole matter. A homeless man. A withered rose in a book's page. Unsent letters in a box. A frown. A smile. A scar. 

It is astonishing to know that every soul you come across with every day has his own story. Strangers walking and talking and performing their daily routine and carrying their own histories. We don't see it mostly. We just see covers. We just see the lead character but not know what his life is about. Strangers are unopened books.

The sad stories. Yes. 

It's not even just the books or the films with tragic endings. Fiction is bearable, because it is fiction. It is not really the stories you read, but the stories you are part of. They tell of pain, of suffering, or longing. It is easy to say to just turn the page and it's going to be alright. But mostly, the next page is the same as the previous one. Because pain is not just a one-page part of one's book. Sometimes it comes in chapters. And you know the difference when you're not and when you're part of a sad story? You carry and feel it. And even though it's not as depressing as Titanic, it weighs more than any other tragic books/films because you experienced it. 

Sad stories are sad. But why do most of us pamper and tolerate pain? 

Maybe my point in writing this is that everywhere we look, we find stories. And every second, every minute, every hour, a story is taking place. This is what the world is made up of; sad and happy stories. But you see, I only managed to write about sad stories. I am as yet in the process of knowing what happy stories are. I promise to write about them soon. 

a story underneath

what a crappy title. I couldn't think of anything... and I don't want to leave this post untitled. 

So, whatevs. Deal with it.

Anyway, I wrote this piece of poetry(if you allow me to call it) a couple

of weeks ago in our school lib while staring at Logan's photo on my IPod. 

I took off to a far away place

Beyond the stars and sun and vast exterior space

I journeyed into a world unknown

Where possibility ever brightly shone

There awaited my prince, my love

Where in the world of men, 

He is who I cannot have

In the darkness, his face still was a lovely sight

Our souls danced under the sweet moonlight

But then, the little story had to end

My poor self could not comprehend 

Because our love was a myth

It only existed in my mind underneath

It's been a while...

Dear friend, 

   

         I know it's been a while since I have posted an entry (a sensible one). Things have just been really complicated and too demanding of my time. I have a lot to tell that I don't even know where to start. When school started, I was partly terrified and partly excited. Terrified because I was about to venture into the college world, again. The last time I did, it wasn't much of a happy story. Excited because well, I was hoping things would be different the second time around. Fortunately, it's been going smooth right now. Well, except for the school works which are such pain in the neck, that is. What I have been really praying and hoping for was to have friends this time. By this, I mean not just mere acquaintances who I just talk to whenever there is a necessity to do so. I mean, friends... real friends. People who I can laugh at the silliest things with, or I don't know... it's so hard to define. It's so dramatic, I know. But if you have experienced being an outcast for once in your life, you'll understand why I am being so desperate trying to have friends. Luckily, God has given me what I have prayed for. FRIENDS! I am an irregular student and it feels great that I don't need to be scared of entering different rooms, fearing that I would be alone. I am very grateful that I am not an introvert person anymore this time in college. It feels good knowing I am not just an observer anymore, but one of the participators. Well, okay, still an observer in a way but not like before when I was actually non-existent. But there are still times when I feel like I am not part of their world, like they're so far away... like I am detached from them. I don't know if you've ever felt that way but some days I would sit there in the room with all these people and even these new friends I've mentioned earlier and I don't know... no matter how much I try to connect with them, I just feel like I'm...somewhere far away(?) even though I'm just inches away from them. That so-close-yet-so-far feeling. I feel like I'm floating, like a ghost or something. It is really queer. I reckon it's because I am not yet really showing them the real me, but I'm not sure. Sometimes I love it when I am detached from the world. Talking a lot stresses me out, which is another strange thing because I am very talkative around these new friends. But wait, I think I know why. Maybe it's because I am desperate to like, please them because I am desperate to have friends. But that's not the real me. It's so hard to fake-smile the entire day. Argh, I don't even know what 'm talking about. 

Anyway, it is such a shame to admit this but... I am slowly dying, spiritually. I know, I know. What a shame. I swear I hate this. I hate feeling this way. I am constantly trying to fight but sometimes things are eating much of my time that I don't have any more energy to talk to Him. And I have been doing things which I know don't glorify His name. I know in  a way, I am misrepresenting Him specially with my new friends. And everyday, every night I swear I am asking for an apology but I just feel like it's not enough. I feel like a fraud. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. 

Please pray for me. It has been an everyday battle. 

Sheresh 

He says you are beautiful

This post is inspired by Candice Glover's song, I am beautiful. I didn't get to watch AI's finale because I have stopped watching it since Angie Miller was eliminated. But because it was the talk of the town (or of the cyber world), I've eventually heard about Candice winning the said competition and her song- I am beautiful. I heard lots of positive feedback about the song so I listened to it on YouTube. I'm not a huge fan of Candice,(but I don't hate her either) but the song just got me. 

How many times have we been told we're not good enough, not worth it, not beautiful? How many times have we believed those lies? 

Just the past few months, I had experienced inferiority complex. I would compare myself to others and think, "why can't I just be beautiful like her?" "why is she so good and I'm not?" "she's much more talented than I am." all those crap. I felt so ugly and useless and unwanted. And it's not that someone actually said those things to me, it's just that it was somehow what things/situations were making me feel. Like what happened one morning of April this year... I was hanging out with some people (I'm not gonna mention who) and they were talking about all these local bands and I couldn't keep up with what they were talking about because I am not really a fan of local music and I felt so out of place. I know it sounds silly but even a simple thing like that can make someone feel inferior about himself/herself. I felt completely invisible. And it didn't only happen that time, that kind of situation happened several times with different people. One time, someone was teaching me how to play a song in piano and I keep having mistakes, pressing the wrong keys and stuff and I felt like this person was getting annoyed because I couldn't get it right. I felt so lame and I felt like I'll never be good enough.  There were times when I was surrounded with people and they kept talking to one another but me. Well, they asked me once in a while about some stuff but after that they went back to their own businesses. It's as if they were just trying to make me feel not so uncomfortable, but really, I knew they were not interested with me. I mean, who'd be interested with a boring nerd/dork like me? And I would never forget, the people who called me ugly and black. I mean, I already forgave them but like what one man once told me, forgetting is a myth...well, unless you get amnesia, that is. So, for quite some time I tried to stay away and drowned myself with the world of books and fantasy which I mentioned in my previous post, Daydreaming 101. For almost a year, I haven't much interacted with people outside my family and some close friends which I could only count on my hands. I knew God was there, and He was the only one who knew all about the things I went through until you get to read this. 

Maybe at some point in your life, you have encountered the same things I had. Maybe people or situations have made you feel you're not good enough, or you're not beautiful. And today I am telling you that all those things you've heard or felt are nothing but lies. It's all deception. You need to know the truth. And the truth is this: 

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14 

In the original Hebrew text, the word "fearfully" means with great reverence and heartfelt interest and respect. The word "wonderfully" means unique, set apart, uniquely marvelous. (www.savedhealed.com) 

God has made you in His own image (Gen. 1:27). How can you feel so ugly when the Creator of the wonderful stars and galaxies and entire universe made you?! 

God made me realize how beautiful I am despite people's words. Their words don't define me, God's words do...because He was the One who made me. Movies and music of this world may tell you that beautiful is only in the form of top models, famous celebrities, or if you have a porcelain white skin, an hourglass body, or a perfect smile... but hey, that isn't true. Truth is you are imperfect. Everybody is. But despite your imperfection, God loves you, so much. Despite your flaws, He sees you as the most valuable creation He has ever created. Despite your mistakes, You are still the apple of His eyes. YOU ARE NOT UGLY. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. 

You are fair, my love; there is no spot in you. Song of Solomon 4:7

So stop listening to the world's lie.People may scream you're not beautiful, but always remember Psalm 139:14; you are fearfully and wonderfully made. And Candice's song says :

Even when you say I'm not, He says I'm beautiful. 

Favor is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that fears the Lord, she shall be praised. 

-Proverbs 31:30- 

so what's your ideal man like?

Please don't get me wrong. I am not rushing love nor do I desire to have any romantic relationship soon. I just can't help thinking about the future. And I think it's inevitable (or almost) to think about your future significant other when you're thinking about the approaching years.

Earlier in my life, I have made heaps of mistakes... broken some rules, entered wrong relationships (let's not talk about that). I admit I haven't been a wise chooser(?) when it came to guys before. It had all been based on shallow things. I mean, I liked a guy just because he was a musician, or he was popular or he had a really good sense of humor, or he was a good talker, or he was simply a badass. I had really poor standards before so basically, it all ended up a failure. Love is more than just butterflies in your stomach, a singer once said. But sadly, I had defined love depending on how often guys gave me those butterflies. I can only look back at my past with regret. But as the old cliche goes, past is past. God has taught me huge lessons and only because of those that I can look back at my past somehow with a grateful heart.

Now, if you were to ask me what my ideal man is... You won't hear any physical prescriptions anymore nor would you hear anything based on a person's "swag"(I hope you get what I mean) (lol sorry for that too-mainstream word). Honestly, I just want a man who seeks and loves God more than anyone/anything in the world. I know that doesn't sound too convincing but believe me, I now know how important it is for your future partner to be a Christian. The best example I could think of is my dad. I am such a huge fan of my dad. I can see and feel how much he loves my mom, though sometimes my mom takes it for granted. I mean, sure my mom loves my dad but sometimes she doesn't like him going all mushy and stuff. But I do. I think it's amazing to witness love still all fueled up even after 17 years of being together. Imagine meeting the love of your life for the first time... that's the way my dad looks at her. Okay well maybe I exaggerated that. But really, my dad looks at my mom like she's the most beautiful woman in the whole universe. He's also VERY patient. Really. It's one of the most amazing things about him, his patience. My mom can be really loud sometimes (hi, mama. I love you), the kind that can really get into your nerves (I mean, women are loud right) but my dad just sits there and tries his best to hold himself to prevent worsening things. And the best thing I love about my dad is his faith. He is the best man I know who handles problems the coolest. I swear I have never seen him panic about anything. Even though problems are huge, he just sits there like "I'm cool, it's all gonna be alright" and sings songs of praise to the Lord. And it amazes me, because it's not an easy thing to do. Moms are usually the worriers, I learned that from most of my friends and people I came across with. So I realized it's really a huge thing if your husband is a man of faith because there will always be someone who can pull you up when you're feeling down. And wouldn't it be just so awesome if you have someone who loves you and draws you closer to his first love, Jesus? I think that's awesome, really. Falling in love together with the One who first loved you. That's why I'm hoping to marry someone like my dad someday ;) 

Aside from that, I'd like someone I can read books with and not get bored, someone I can write stories (or books/films) with, someone I can be best friends with, someone I can sing songs with, someone who can make me smile, someone I can laugh at the silliest things with, and a lot more. 

I could write all day about this but the most important thing about my ideal man is...having Christ as the number 1 love of his life. That pretty much sums it all...the rest are just details. 

p.s I hope Logan Lerman's a Christian... may God use me as an instrument to change him. (MEHEHEH I'M KIDDING.....BUT WELL, WHY NOT?!)

I Fell For A Fictional Character

(This is related to my previous blog post- Daydreaming 101.)

To anyone who's ever invented his/her own love story in his/her mind. 

How many hours have you spent staring at his(or her) photos, stalking him on facebook/twitter, listening to love/emo songs because of him? 

Answering these questions on my mind, I can't help but feel guilty. 

It all started when a friend of mine mentioned an actor's name during our conversation on facebook. I wasn't familiar with the actor so I googled him. The moment the results appeared, I was then captivated. I know it's cliche but really, it was like love at first sight. He had blue eyes, and his smile was just devastatingly gorgeous. To make the long story short, I started then to search about him...biography and everything. I watched his movies, watched videos of his interviews, and even searched for his favorites. I felt like a stalker,a creepy stalker. But in my mind, I was doing it all out of love. Funny, huh. 

And then.

Little did I know, the little admiration went beyond the line. 

I don't remember when was the exact time/day but I just woke up and I realized this guy has already got me obsessed. I started to imagine scenes on my mind. Of course, my prince and I as the main characters. I actually started imagining our first meeting. It's in a ball or something, and then he's there, of course, and he spots me and comes up to me and then sparks fly and we're in love. And then later on, I started to imagine our first date, to our first monthsary, to our first anniversary. Crazy, right? I was enjoying every scene and even when I had to leave my fantasy... I carried the scenes with me in reality, like it really happened in real life. I was in love with him. Truly, madly, deeply. And he felt the same for me. I knew everything about him, and he did the same with me...that is, in my mind. 

How many times have we woken up every morning making up great stories in our minds with the person we long to be with? How many times have we neglected chores just to daydream? 

How long have we been like this?

Perhaps you can relate with what I'm trying to say here. 

Inventing these awesome-but-not-real stories in our minds can seem sweet and cool and okay but really, if you only contemplate seriously... you'll realize that it's one of the most tragic things ever. 

One day, while I was staring at one of his photos on tumblr, I was hit by a painful realization. 

This guy who's staring back at me in the screen...This guy whom I've spent almost my entire day with, whom I've loved so much, whom I've celebrated heaps of events with, whom I've cuddled with almost every minute of the day...doesn't know me at all. 

It's insane, really. And I understand if you're laughing at my silliness right now... I mean, I'd be laughing too if I were not myself. It's lunatic. I have made wonderful memories with this guy for years. We've been in love for so long (we were actually getting married). And while I was staring at his photo that moment, I realized that... If I were to meet him at that very second, he wouldn't at all recognize me, not even a single of our memories together would register in his mind. And that was painful. 

Perhaps you are in love with someone right now who doesn't even know you exist. Perhaps the only thing you have ever thought of to be happy is to make up stories in your mind, just like what I did. Perhaps you are hurt by what you have just read. I'm sorry, but sometimes the best thing to realize things is to welcome a slap in your face. Let things hit you hard. Painful, but only for a moment. 

Now, what's wrong about inventing a love story in your mind? Basically, it's because you feed yourself an illusion. And I tell you, illusion is not  healthy. It's dangerous. Illusions exist so you can be deceived. 

And I was deceived. 

I believed I knew him so well. But really, I don't. Not at all. I may have googled some information about him, but it's not him. It's one thing to know some information about a person, and it's another thing to know that person and have a personal relationship with him. I was only making him up in my mind. An invention of a physical-him in my mind...but not really the real him. 

I thought back then that this guy was the one for me, that if I wouldn't end up with him...might as well grow old alone. I let myself believe that lie. Like there were no other guys in the world except him, that what I have invented in my mind was the best love story I could ever have.

Foolish dreamers live in a world of illusion; wise realists plant their feet on the ground.

Proverbs 14:18

Perhaps you have lived long enough in your world of illusion. There is Someone who wants you to know that you don't have to deal with your imaginary life anymore. You don't have to imagine about being loved back because He loves you so much more than your mind could ever imagine. And He's not just anybody. He is the King of kings, the One who formed the galaxies and the entire universe, and the Author of love. You don't have to chase over someone who doesn't know you exist because He knows you most of all, and loves you with an everlasting love.

"I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness."

  Jeremiah 31:3

"Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you."

  Jeremiah 1:5

God is great and mighty. Through Him, all things are possible. The reason why I shared my experience with you is that may you learn something from it. I am blogging this not only for you, my dear readers, but also for myself. Sometimes even if we already know...we still need to be reminded.

 So, no need to spend hours fan-girling and fantasizing over someone who doesn't know you exist. Also, don't nurse a crush! Don't pamper a simple admiration because it might just lead to something like what I had experienced. Don't dive into the world of illusion because the most tragic love story is when a princess falls for a fictional prince...or the other way around. 

So what really is my point here? My point is that God is awesome enough to provide you a happily ever after. Not an imaginary one, but a real one. How awesome is that?! All you have to do is trust Him and wait patiently for His perfect timing. You will meet your prince charming/princess in the right time, under the right circumstances.

Heads up! The Author of love is writing your love story. ;) 

*to know more about the Author of love, read this : http://www.fathersloveletter.com/flltextenglish.html