a story underneath

what a crappy title. I couldn't think of anything... and I don't want to leave this post untitled. 

So, whatevs. Deal with it.

Anyway, I wrote this piece of poetry(if you allow me to call it) a couple

of weeks ago in our school lib while staring at Logan's photo on my IPod. 

I took off to a far away place

Beyond the stars and sun and vast exterior space

I journeyed into a world unknown

Where possibility ever brightly shone

There awaited my prince, my love

Where in the world of men, 

He is who I cannot have

In the darkness, his face still was a lovely sight

Our souls danced under the sweet moonlight

But then, the little story had to end

My poor self could not comprehend 

Because our love was a myth

It only existed in my mind underneath

It's been a while...

Dear friend, 

   

         I know it's been a while since I have posted an entry (a sensible one). Things have just been really complicated and too demanding of my time. I have a lot to tell that I don't even know where to start. When school started, I was partly terrified and partly excited. Terrified because I was about to venture into the college world, again. The last time I did, it wasn't much of a happy story. Excited because well, I was hoping things would be different the second time around. Fortunately, it's been going smooth right now. Well, except for the school works which are such pain in the neck, that is. What I have been really praying and hoping for was to have friends this time. By this, I mean not just mere acquaintances who I just talk to whenever there is a necessity to do so. I mean, friends... real friends. People who I can laugh at the silliest things with, or I don't know... it's so hard to define. It's so dramatic, I know. But if you have experienced being an outcast for once in your life, you'll understand why I am being so desperate trying to have friends. Luckily, God has given me what I have prayed for. FRIENDS! I am an irregular student and it feels great that I don't need to be scared of entering different rooms, fearing that I would be alone. I am very grateful that I am not an introvert person anymore this time in college. It feels good knowing I am not just an observer anymore, but one of the participators. Well, okay, still an observer in a way but not like before when I was actually non-existent. But there are still times when I feel like I am not part of their world, like they're so far away... like I am detached from them. I don't know if you've ever felt that way but some days I would sit there in the room with all these people and even these new friends I've mentioned earlier and I don't know... no matter how much I try to connect with them, I just feel like I'm...somewhere far away(?) even though I'm just inches away from them. That so-close-yet-so-far feeling. I feel like I'm floating, like a ghost or something. It is really queer. I reckon it's because I am not yet really showing them the real me, but I'm not sure. Sometimes I love it when I am detached from the world. Talking a lot stresses me out, which is another strange thing because I am very talkative around these new friends. But wait, I think I know why. Maybe it's because I am desperate to like, please them because I am desperate to have friends. But that's not the real me. It's so hard to fake-smile the entire day. Argh, I don't even know what 'm talking about. 

Anyway, it is such a shame to admit this but... I am slowly dying, spiritually. I know, I know. What a shame. I swear I hate this. I hate feeling this way. I am constantly trying to fight but sometimes things are eating much of my time that I don't have any more energy to talk to Him. And I have been doing things which I know don't glorify His name. I know in  a way, I am misrepresenting Him specially with my new friends. And everyday, every night I swear I am asking for an apology but I just feel like it's not enough. I feel like a fraud. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. 

Please pray for me. It has been an everyday battle. 

Sheresh 

He says you are beautiful

This post is inspired by Candice Glover's song, I am beautiful. I didn't get to watch AI's finale because I have stopped watching it since Angie Miller was eliminated. But because it was the talk of the town (or of the cyber world), I've eventually heard about Candice winning the said competition and her song- I am beautiful. I heard lots of positive feedback about the song so I listened to it on YouTube. I'm not a huge fan of Candice,(but I don't hate her either) but the song just got me. 

How many times have we been told we're not good enough, not worth it, not beautiful? How many times have we believed those lies? 

Just the past few months, I had experienced inferiority complex. I would compare myself to others and think, "why can't I just be beautiful like her?" "why is she so good and I'm not?" "she's much more talented than I am." all those crap. I felt so ugly and useless and unwanted. And it's not that someone actually said those things to me, it's just that it was somehow what things/situations were making me feel. Like what happened one morning of April this year... I was hanging out with some people (I'm not gonna mention who) and they were talking about all these local bands and I couldn't keep up with what they were talking about because I am not really a fan of local music and I felt so out of place. I know it sounds silly but even a simple thing like that can make someone feel inferior about himself/herself. I felt completely invisible. And it didn't only happen that time, that kind of situation happened several times with different people. One time, someone was teaching me how to play a song in piano and I keep having mistakes, pressing the wrong keys and stuff and I felt like this person was getting annoyed because I couldn't get it right. I felt so lame and I felt like I'll never be good enough.  There were times when I was surrounded with people and they kept talking to one another but me. Well, they asked me once in a while about some stuff but after that they went back to their own businesses. It's as if they were just trying to make me feel not so uncomfortable, but really, I knew they were not interested with me. I mean, who'd be interested with a boring nerd/dork like me? And I would never forget, the people who called me ugly and black. I mean, I already forgave them but like what one man once told me, forgetting is a myth...well, unless you get amnesia, that is. So, for quite some time I tried to stay away and drowned myself with the world of books and fantasy which I mentioned in my previous post, Daydreaming 101. For almost a year, I haven't much interacted with people outside my family and some close friends which I could only count on my hands. I knew God was there, and He was the only one who knew all about the things I went through until you get to read this. 

Maybe at some point in your life, you have encountered the same things I had. Maybe people or situations have made you feel you're not good enough, or you're not beautiful. And today I am telling you that all those things you've heard or felt are nothing but lies. It's all deception. You need to know the truth. And the truth is this: 

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14 

In the original Hebrew text, the word "fearfully" means with great reverence and heartfelt interest and respect. The word "wonderfully" means unique, set apart, uniquely marvelous. (www.savedhealed.com) 

God has made you in His own image (Gen. 1:27). How can you feel so ugly when the Creator of the wonderful stars and galaxies and entire universe made you?! 

God made me realize how beautiful I am despite people's words. Their words don't define me, God's words do...because He was the One who made me. Movies and music of this world may tell you that beautiful is only in the form of top models, famous celebrities, or if you have a porcelain white skin, an hourglass body, or a perfect smile... but hey, that isn't true. Truth is you are imperfect. Everybody is. But despite your imperfection, God loves you, so much. Despite your flaws, He sees you as the most valuable creation He has ever created. Despite your mistakes, You are still the apple of His eyes. YOU ARE NOT UGLY. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. 

You are fair, my love; there is no spot in you. Song of Solomon 4:7

So stop listening to the world's lie.People may scream you're not beautiful, but always remember Psalm 139:14; you are fearfully and wonderfully made. And Candice's song says :

Even when you say I'm not, He says I'm beautiful. 

Favor is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that fears the Lord, she shall be praised. 

-Proverbs 31:30- 

so what's your ideal man like?

Please don't get me wrong. I am not rushing love nor do I desire to have any romantic relationship soon. I just can't help thinking about the future. And I think it's inevitable (or almost) to think about your future significant other when you're thinking about the approaching years.

Earlier in my life, I have made heaps of mistakes... broken some rules, entered wrong relationships (let's not talk about that). I admit I haven't been a wise chooser(?) when it came to guys before. It had all been based on shallow things. I mean, I liked a guy just because he was a musician, or he was popular or he had a really good sense of humor, or he was a good talker, or he was simply a badass. I had really poor standards before so basically, it all ended up a failure. Love is more than just butterflies in your stomach, a singer once said. But sadly, I had defined love depending on how often guys gave me those butterflies. I can only look back at my past with regret. But as the old cliche goes, past is past. God has taught me huge lessons and only because of those that I can look back at my past somehow with a grateful heart.

Now, if you were to ask me what my ideal man is... You won't hear any physical prescriptions anymore nor would you hear anything based on a person's "swag"(I hope you get what I mean) (lol sorry for that too-mainstream word). Honestly, I just want a man who seeks and loves God more than anyone/anything in the world. I know that doesn't sound too convincing but believe me, I now know how important it is for your future partner to be a Christian. The best example I could think of is my dad. I am such a huge fan of my dad. I can see and feel how much he loves my mom, though sometimes my mom takes it for granted. I mean, sure my mom loves my dad but sometimes she doesn't like him going all mushy and stuff. But I do. I think it's amazing to witness love still all fueled up even after 17 years of being together. Imagine meeting the love of your life for the first time... that's the way my dad looks at her. Okay well maybe I exaggerated that. But really, my dad looks at my mom like she's the most beautiful woman in the whole universe. He's also VERY patient. Really. It's one of the most amazing things about him, his patience. My mom can be really loud sometimes (hi, mama. I love you), the kind that can really get into your nerves (I mean, women are loud right) but my dad just sits there and tries his best to hold himself to prevent worsening things. And the best thing I love about my dad is his faith. He is the best man I know who handles problems the coolest. I swear I have never seen him panic about anything. Even though problems are huge, he just sits there like "I'm cool, it's all gonna be alright" and sings songs of praise to the Lord. And it amazes me, because it's not an easy thing to do. Moms are usually the worriers, I learned that from most of my friends and people I came across with. So I realized it's really a huge thing if your husband is a man of faith because there will always be someone who can pull you up when you're feeling down. And wouldn't it be just so awesome if you have someone who loves you and draws you closer to his first love, Jesus? I think that's awesome, really. Falling in love together with the One who first loved you. That's why I'm hoping to marry someone like my dad someday ;) 

Aside from that, I'd like someone I can read books with and not get bored, someone I can write stories (or books/films) with, someone I can be best friends with, someone I can sing songs with, someone who can make me smile, someone I can laugh at the silliest things with, and a lot more. 

I could write all day about this but the most important thing about my ideal man is...having Christ as the number 1 love of his life. That pretty much sums it all...the rest are just details. 

p.s I hope Logan Lerman's a Christian... may God use me as an instrument to change him. (MEHEHEH I'M KIDDING.....BUT WELL, WHY NOT?!)

I Fell For A Fictional Character

(This is related to my previous blog post- Daydreaming 101.)

To anyone who's ever invented his/her own love story in his/her mind. 

How many hours have you spent staring at his(or her) photos, stalking him on facebook/twitter, listening to love/emo songs because of him? 

Answering these questions on my mind, I can't help but feel guilty. 

It all started when a friend of mine mentioned an actor's name during our conversation on facebook. I wasn't familiar with the actor so I googled him. The moment the results appeared, I was then captivated. I know it's cliche but really, it was like love at first sight. He had blue eyes, and his smile was just devastatingly gorgeous. To make the long story short, I started then to search about him...biography and everything. I watched his movies, watched videos of his interviews, and even searched for his favorites. I felt like a stalker,a creepy stalker. But in my mind, I was doing it all out of love. Funny, huh. 

And then.

Little did I know, the little admiration went beyond the line. 

I don't remember when was the exact time/day but I just woke up and I realized this guy has already got me obsessed. I started to imagine scenes on my mind. Of course, my prince and I as the main characters. I actually started imagining our first meeting. It's in a ball or something, and then he's there, of course, and he spots me and comes up to me and then sparks fly and we're in love. And then later on, I started to imagine our first date, to our first monthsary, to our first anniversary. Crazy, right? I was enjoying every scene and even when I had to leave my fantasy... I carried the scenes with me in reality, like it really happened in real life. I was in love with him. Truly, madly, deeply. And he felt the same for me. I knew everything about him, and he did the same with me...that is, in my mind. 

How many times have we woken up every morning making up great stories in our minds with the person we long to be with? How many times have we neglected chores just to daydream? 

How long have we been like this?

Perhaps you can relate with what I'm trying to say here. 

Inventing these awesome-but-not-real stories in our minds can seem sweet and cool and okay but really, if you only contemplate seriously... you'll realize that it's one of the most tragic things ever. 

One day, while I was staring at one of his photos on tumblr, I was hit by a painful realization. 

This guy who's staring back at me in the screen...This guy whom I've spent almost my entire day with, whom I've loved so much, whom I've celebrated heaps of events with, whom I've cuddled with almost every minute of the day...doesn't know me at all. 

It's insane, really. And I understand if you're laughing at my silliness right now... I mean, I'd be laughing too if I were not myself. It's lunatic. I have made wonderful memories with this guy for years. We've been in love for so long (we were actually getting married). And while I was staring at his photo that moment, I realized that... If I were to meet him at that very second, he wouldn't at all recognize me, not even a single of our memories together would register in his mind. And that was painful. 

Perhaps you are in love with someone right now who doesn't even know you exist. Perhaps the only thing you have ever thought of to be happy is to make up stories in your mind, just like what I did. Perhaps you are hurt by what you have just read. I'm sorry, but sometimes the best thing to realize things is to welcome a slap in your face. Let things hit you hard. Painful, but only for a moment. 

Now, what's wrong about inventing a love story in your mind? Basically, it's because you feed yourself an illusion. And I tell you, illusion is not  healthy. It's dangerous. Illusions exist so you can be deceived. 

And I was deceived. 

I believed I knew him so well. But really, I don't. Not at all. I may have googled some information about him, but it's not him. It's one thing to know some information about a person, and it's another thing to know that person and have a personal relationship with him. I was only making him up in my mind. An invention of a physical-him in my mind...but not really the real him. 

I thought back then that this guy was the one for me, that if I wouldn't end up with him...might as well grow old alone. I let myself believe that lie. Like there were no other guys in the world except him, that what I have invented in my mind was the best love story I could ever have.

Foolish dreamers live in a world of illusion; wise realists plant their feet on the ground.

Proverbs 14:18

Perhaps you have lived long enough in your world of illusion. There is Someone who wants you to know that you don't have to deal with your imaginary life anymore. You don't have to imagine about being loved back because He loves you so much more than your mind could ever imagine. And He's not just anybody. He is the King of kings, the One who formed the galaxies and the entire universe, and the Author of love. You don't have to chase over someone who doesn't know you exist because He knows you most of all, and loves you with an everlasting love.

"I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness."

  Jeremiah 31:3

"Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you."

  Jeremiah 1:5

God is great and mighty. Through Him, all things are possible. The reason why I shared my experience with you is that may you learn something from it. I am blogging this not only for you, my dear readers, but also for myself. Sometimes even if we already know...we still need to be reminded.

 So, no need to spend hours fan-girling and fantasizing over someone who doesn't know you exist. Also, don't nurse a crush! Don't pamper a simple admiration because it might just lead to something like what I had experienced. Don't dive into the world of illusion because the most tragic love story is when a princess falls for a fictional prince...or the other way around. 

So what really is my point here? My point is that God is awesome enough to provide you a happily ever after. Not an imaginary one, but a real one. How awesome is that?! All you have to do is trust Him and wait patiently for His perfect timing. You will meet your prince charming/princess in the right time, under the right circumstances.

Heads up! The Author of love is writing your love story. ;) 

*to know more about the Author of love, read this : http://www.fathersloveletter.com/flltextenglish.html

Parents Rock!!!!!!!

First of all, let me warn you that this is going to be a very mushy or perchance,a  tear-jerking post. :p

...and this, of course, is for my parents <3



Let me tell you that I am not the best daughter in the universe. In fact, I am such a nuisance. But what is it with parents that no matter how much a pain in the ass a child may be, they can't seem to abandon him/her?

here comes the mushy part...

Perhaps for some, the greatest blessing is their dreams or their spouse or best friend or any tangible thing and yes, those are great blessings. But for me, the greatest blessing is one's parents.
 I don't know if you're going to get some lesson in the end of this post (I hope you do) but this is really just me expressing how much I appreciate my parents.
Though I don't show it too often, I silently thank God everyday for giving me such wonderful parents. I have been a terrible headache to them before and maybe I still am sometimes but it just amazes me how much love they have for me(and my brother-Joshua the hardheaded...I love you, Josh! naksss). When a child is growing up, parents set rules for them in order to stay in the right track. Sadly, I have broken several rules in the past years of my life. One of those was...well, not allowed to have a boyfriend while studying.................UGH. Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaay this is too corny but yes I'll share it anyway. I think this rule is present in every parents' list of don'ts for their daughter/s. I was too foolish to think that a mere crush or infatuation is...love (CORNY). Well, at first it was just really out of curiosity but then you know.....kids chase things they're not suppose to chase. And then well, at the end of it all I learned my lessons and I realized love is very different from what I thought it was and my parents were still there for me even though I was such a very very bad little girl. And then...well, that pretty much is all the rule they have set for me.
When I was younger, I didn't take my parents too seriously. I mean, I loved them but I didn't really much appreciated what they were doing. I was, in fact, pissed because they wouldn't allow me to eat junk foods or they wouldn't buy me the things I wanted or because they always asked me to do house chores. I was really a bad girl back then. But as I grew older, I started to realize all the things they have done and are doing for me and my brother. I started to see things in a different perspective and I was astounded by how much love they have for us. Those times when they didn't allow me to do things...it was like they were saying "No, because I don't want you to get hurt." "No, because I don't want you to be harmed." "No, because I love you."

I love my dad so much and perhaps everybody knows that. He has been my confidence-booster. I remember when my brother was teasing me and told me I was ugly and I got so pissed and sad. I came up to my dad and asked him if I was really ugly and he told me I was very beautiful. I don't know if he still remembers this but I do. I remember all the little things because it means a lot to me. Because that time, when it felt like the world was screaming I was ugly...my dad told me I was beautiful. And then I didn't care anymore about my brother and all the people who told me I was ugly because what mattered to me that time was that I was beautiful to someone I love.

I love my mom so much. Even though we fight sometimes, I still consider her one of my closessstttt friends. I haven't been going to school lately and everyday, she has been my friend and I don't care about not having any other friend when I'm with her because we laugh at all the silly things and sometimes, a good laugh with your mom is enough. I thank her for that because sometimes I feel so sad and alone but then she shows up and either nag or scold me or wake me up like an alarm clock or stuffs like that and then no matter how annoying it is sometimes, I'm very much grateful because I don't feel so alone anymore.

There are still a lot of things I'd like to say about my parents...about how awesome they are and how thankful I am of them but I have to end this for some reason. I loooooooooooovvvvvvvveeeeeee them so much and I hope you guys also learn to appreciate and love your parents and see things in a different perspective because life is short and you don't get to be with them forever.

Here are some of our photos:

Daydreaming 101

"Daydreaming is a short-term detachment from one's immediate surroundings, during which a person's contact with reality is blurred and partially substituted by a visionary fantasy, especially one of happy, pleasant thoughts, hopes or ambitions, imagined as coming to pass, and experienced while awake." (source: Wikipedia)

I decided to blog about this topic because lots of people think daydreaming is okay and is a fun thing to do and I, myself, used to believe the same thing. But recently, I discovered that it is not just what I thought it is. 

I used to daydream about a lot of wonderful things (I mean, who daydreams about bad things??) such as me being a successful writer and filmmaker and all the interviewers are after me, and then there's me as a famous singer. I used to sign my mom's magazines at home pretending I'm signing my own magazine covers/albums for fans(INSANE!!!) and of course, I loved daydreaming about my ultimate crush- Logan Lerman. I used to daydream he's...well, my boyfie and then we go travel the world and then we're hopelessly in love with each other and then finally, he asks me to marry him (this is really embarrassing). I daydreamed about having a lot of people who wanted to be my friends, a lot of people who were inspired by me, a lot of people I could turn to during tough times. I daydreamed about making my loved ones proud. I daydreamed about a better version of myself. I daydreamed about a wonderful life.  I daydreamed about all the great things. Nothing seemed impossible in my own universe. Fantasy was such a sweet world. There were no boundaries/limitations to what might happen. There were no pain and crying and I was happy. Because I was the author and director of my own story. Anything...Anything at all was possible. 

Until I came to a point where I got so into it that I neglected all the things I had to do in real life such as the house chores, eating and sadly...even my social life. I came to a point where daydreaming seemed automatic when I wake up every morning. I would talk to some imaginary people and even to myself. I neglected my social life because I had many friends in my world and I feared rejection from people in my real life. I wanted my fantasy life so much that my real life didn't matter to me that much anymore. Again, there were no limitations. I was happy, I was famous, I had heaps of friends. I was loved back by all the people I loved. I was highly admired and appreciated. How could you hate fantasy/daydreaming when it offers nothing but the best? 

But then, there were days when daydreaming became...painful. There were days when I daydreamed and I felt so empty and sad. The painful part came when I realized all the wonderful, beautiful and great things I daydreamed of were all...imaginary. They weren't real. They weren't true. They exist in my own world,yes. But I was the only one who lived in my own world. And I can't stay there for too long. The job and fame I had in my own world didn't exist in my real life. Not all the people I daydreamed of loving me back did so in real life.  I always had to go back to reality. And that's when everything hit me hard, all at once.

Fantasy can be just really amazing and beautiful because like I said, anything is possible. You get to direct the things that'll happen and you'll always get to be the lead role, not just an extra. You get to be the best of yourself. 

But that day I realized no matter how beautiful and great the things fantasy/daydreaming offers you, they are not real. I was hyped about daydreaming because I wanted to be different, to be better...for a short moment. I am a not so popular girl in real life. Most of the time, I go unnoticed by people. I don't have lots of friends (I only have few) and not all the people I love/admire requite what I feel for them(I'm referring to Logan Lerman by this, haha) and most of all, I am alone most of the time. I don't mean being all emo or anything. I mean, alone literally. I haven't been going to school lately and I am sorta uh, socially awkward sometimes(or most of the time). I read a book(blue like jazz) weeks ago and Donald Miller, the author of the book, mentioned that daydreaming is partly caused by being alone. "I blamed it on loneliness of the biochemical sort. When a person has no other persons he invents them because he was not designed to be alone, because it isn't good for a person to be alone." he said. And I guess he's right. Most of the daydreamers, if not all, love fantasy because they are alone, or perhaps because they are lonely. I daydreamed because I stayed most of the time in my room and did not interact with real people. I was lonely,too, I guess. By interacting, I mean not just through social sites like facebook or twitter (I am very active on my sites) but in a more personal way like having coffee and talking about stuff, or something like that. There's a huge difference between chatting with people and talking to them personally. And yes, lonely. I was lonely because I didn't have anyone to talk to. Sure my mom was there with me always and we always have a good time but friends are different. Late at night, I look at the stars... yes, they're beautiful and God is amazing but there's more to it. People stare at the stars because they are lonely. They talk to them or the moon or to themselves because there's no one to talk to. And that's sad. Really sad. 

BUT. Listen, this is the most important part of this blog post. God made me realize things. Fantasy entice people because we long for perfection. A painless world. A wish-granting world. A world written by us. But no matter how great the things we daydream of, it is non-existing. It is imaginary. Focus on the word "imaginary" and you'll see how painful daydreaming is. Yes, it is beautiful but it is never real. I am not saying daydreaming is a sin or is a freaking bad thing...but it can be. We need not to soak ourselves with illusions because there are wonderful things reality can offer. Yes, there's pain and it's rough sometimes but at least, it's real. We don't have to be sad over people not loving us back or people not appreciating us because there is Someone who loves us so much and sees us more valuable than gold. And that Someone is the Creator of everything, the King of kings and the God of the universe!!! How awesome is that??? The God of the universe is in love with you!!! And another thing... no matter how great and wonderful the things or plans we have for ourselves in our own world, it doesn't compare to the plans God has for us! He said in Jeremiah 29:11, 

""For I know the plans I have for you"says the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.""

So we need not to be stuck in the world of illusions because God promised to give us a future. Even though some people don't love or appreciate us, He sees us in a very special way and loves us much more than we could ever imagine. Sooooo, why daydream over illusionary things when the GOD OF THE UNIVERSE is offering us mighty things? :) No matter how great the stories we make up in our minds, God is still the greatest Author and He has written the best storyline of your life(including your love story!). Wait and see ;)

P.S The dangerous thing about daydreaming is that you can come to a point where you don't know anymore if you're awake or you're just dreaming. And there's the possibility of being psychotic. And then it can paralyze you (neglecting to do important stuff just to daydream). And then the worst is believing illusions and forgetting that God is there and has the power to provide you what you need. 

I want to write more but my mum is nagging at me because I've been on for hourssssss. I have to end this. Thank you for reading. If you have questions or violent reactions, feel free to msg me on facebook. God bless! :)