beyond

If there's one thing I've learned from my recent experiences... it's this. 

I am a very judgmental person. 

There are times when I dislike someone only because of a hearsay. Others, I loathe because of the way they act around people. More often that not, I tend to judge the person too soon even before I get to know him/her. 

There's this girl in one of my class before who was hated by numerous girls because of the way she acted around guys. There were plenty of nasty words people used to describe her - flirt, bitch, whore are just some. They were hurtful words. Of course, the girl felt bad. She didn't understand why such things were being accused to her when she had done nothing wrong. Well, yes, she was close to most of the guys. Too close that you'd think she was really flirting with them. At some point, yes I do admit I almost hated her as well. But during an event, I found out the reason behind her actions. That was when I realized I was being unfair. People were being unfair to her. Her dad left their family when she was younger. She rarely sees her dad because he has his own family now. Growing up, she lacked a father figure. She didn't know what it felt like to be loved and protected by a man. She was deprived of something wonderful girls around her experienced. So for that reason, she sought to find what she was lacking in the presence of guys around her. She liked the feeling of being surrounded with men for they gave her the sense of security. Around these guys, she felt protected. She longed for that attention her biological father was not able to grant her. She was just longing for love, sense of security and attention from someone she loved and longed for. But unfortunately, this someone had left her. So she had to find somebody else to fill in.

My point here is that, like the girl in my class, people have histories. Some may have wonderful ones, but there are some who have horrible pasts. Most of the time, the way people act is a product of what they have gone through. Of course, yes, it is a human nature that we are quick to judge. But let us put in mind that people have histories. There's always a story behind every person's action. Someone may act stupidly or annoyingly, but before you decide to hate the person, I think it's possible to consider his/her past first. And after that, then maybe you can help the person change for the better even just in the littlest way. I mean, yes I know it's easier said than done. But that is why I am telling you this. It is possible. I've done it. Of course you'll meet people who will really challenge your patience and understanding. We will fail, at times, no matter how much we try to understand. But just try. Try to look beyond the surface. It might just change your whole perspective about everything. 

It's my man's birthdaaaaayyyyy!!!

Apologies. I know it has been years since my last post (long story!!!) but I promise to write again soon. In the meantime, allow me to be all mushy for my man's day <3 I only got an hour to finish this because I have school tomorrow and it's alreadyyyy 2AM!!! (papa, don't get mad this is for you)

I can't even begin to describe how grateful I am to have a father like you. You are literally the BEST one any kid could ever ask for. You don't know how much you make me proud from the little things that you do and much, much more to the big ones. I love how you have compassion for everyone. You always give as much as you can even if at some point it seems like an abuse of kindness(but that's just me). That's one thing I learned from you; to give and give and give as much as you can without expecting in return. It's harrrdddd, but seeing you do it makes me think it is possible. I also love how patient you can be at times. It is seriously one of the traits I admire most in you (although SOMETIMES there are days when you're short-tempered :p ). Like I said, I love how patient you can be even at the most difficult times. We've been through valleys of tests but I have never seen you panic about a single problem. You're always stoical. And that's amazing... which now leads me to the mostttt wonderful thing I admire in you - your faith. I don't say this a lot but I love hearing your stories, specially the ones about your past. I love hearing about who you were in the past and knowing who you are right now. It amazes me how God has made a huge change in your life. I love how you handle problems because like what I've mentioned, you are very cool in handling them they don't even seem like problems to you. Instead of complaining, you just grab your guitar or keyboard and start singing praises to God like He has blessed you by winning the lottery but actually, He has given you piles of challenges. I am just amazed. Of course we know nobody's perfect. You easily get mad SOMETIMES, you sin, you make mistakes... everybody does. But I don't know, you're my role model. 

I want you to know that I enjoy all the time I am with you. I cherish it. From the simplest occasions like watching TV, eating together, road trips,  chit-chatting (you making corny jokes but still I laugh despite myself) to having talks about God and aaaahhhh, everyday. I know words will never be enough to prove how much I appreciate and love you but it's one of the ways I know. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, PAPA!!! I pray for good health and joy and more blessings and for your desires to be granted by God. 

Most of all, I pray to be with you(and mama) as long as possible. 

some photos of us you might want to laugh at: 

That smile is a deceit. I was crying of fear that time because I didn't know how to swim.

Yehesssss graduation dayyyy lol 

Forever daddy's girl

During a cell meeting :p

A contract we made a year ago. No expiration date ;)

"Ate, wag mo kalimutan yung pinirmahan nating contrata ha?"
(don't forget the contract we signed, okay?)

I won't. :)

*insert title here*

So this was what a friend of mine wrote: 

"I reckon you hear this every now and then but let me just repeat it- things are better said than done. It's easy to say "Don't let others' words bring you down"... but like an old cliche, there is only so much a man can take. 

You're not that pretty.

You're not that fair.

You're not that smart.

You're not good enough. 

Hearing all these negativity is not a joke. It's so hard to hold your head up high when people around you keep pushing you down."

Yes, there is only so much a man can take. But it is written; 

"The Lord gives strength to His people; the Lord blesses His people with peace." (Psalm 29:11/ NIV) 

It is true. Man is weak. We are weak. But there goes the good news! We can always ask Him for strength. And again, please be reminded that you are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). People's words may be too loud and negativity may blur that good news, but there's another good news! You can always have a reminder (The Bible is waiting to be opened and read). I can hear you repeating that easier-said-than-done crap but c'mon! You know you're more than that... the greatest Creator created you! How can you feel you aren't good enough. 

It just takes courage and yes, a whole lotta strength to be able to hold your head up high despite the negative whispers of the enemy. It is possible. You can do that through Him who gives you strength. 

Expanded version, click here 

Dear Daddy

I am sorry.  

I haven't been a good daughter. I said I'd follow You & that I'd die to my old self, but I still lived somehow on my own. I played deaf to Your voice. I took You for granted. I misrepresented You.

But You, Daddy, are good and ready to forgive; and Your tender mercies are over all Your works. (Psalms 14:5-9) 

No matter how far I've walked away, with just one call... You answer me. And that is, You welcome me with open arms. Not even once do You upbraid me. You release forgiveness freely. And despite the numerous times I've sinned, You gladly offer me the greatest love that surpasses knowledge. 

Thank You. 

Brokenness Aside - All Sons & Daughters 

Stories

The world is made up of stories. Some are history, some are now, and others to be told tomorrow. 

The birds' unending flight. A tiny sycamore seed planted on the ground which years from now will become a gigantic playground, perhaps a safe place for someone who wants to see what the world looks like from above. A small particle of a broken glass which was once part of a whole matter. A homeless man. A withered rose in a book's page. Unsent letters in a box. A frown. A smile. A scar. 

It is astonishing to know that every soul you come across with every day has his own story. Strangers walking and talking and performing their daily routine and carrying their own histories. We don't see it mostly. We just see covers. We just see the lead character but not know what his life is about. Strangers are unopened books.

The sad stories. Yes. 

It's not even just the books or the films with tragic endings. Fiction is bearable, because it is fiction. It is not really the stories you read, but the stories you are part of. They tell of pain, of suffering, or longing. It is easy to say to just turn the page and it's going to be alright. But mostly, the next page is the same as the previous one. Because pain is not just a one-page part of one's book. Sometimes it comes in chapters. And you know the difference when you're not and when you're part of a sad story? You carry and feel it. And even though it's not as depressing as Titanic, it weighs more than any other tragic books/films because you experienced it. 

Sad stories are sad. But why do most of us pamper and tolerate pain? 

Maybe my point in writing this is that everywhere we look, we find stories. And every second, every minute, every hour, a story is taking place. This is what the world is made up of; sad and happy stories. But you see, I only managed to write about sad stories. I am as yet in the process of knowing what happy stories are. I promise to write about them soon. 

a story underneath

what a crappy title. I couldn't think of anything... and I don't want to leave this post untitled. 

So, whatevs. Deal with it.

Anyway, I wrote this piece of poetry(if you allow me to call it) a couple

of weeks ago in our school lib while staring at Logan's photo on my IPod. 

I took off to a far away place

Beyond the stars and sun and vast exterior space

I journeyed into a world unknown

Where possibility ever brightly shone

There awaited my prince, my love

Where in the world of men, 

He is who I cannot have

In the darkness, his face still was a lovely sight

Our souls danced under the sweet moonlight

But then, the little story had to end

My poor self could not comprehend 

Because our love was a myth

It only existed in my mind underneath

It's been a while...

Dear friend, 

   

         I know it's been a while since I have posted an entry (a sensible one). Things have just been really complicated and too demanding of my time. I have a lot to tell that I don't even know where to start. When school started, I was partly terrified and partly excited. Terrified because I was about to venture into the college world, again. The last time I did, it wasn't much of a happy story. Excited because well, I was hoping things would be different the second time around. Fortunately, it's been going smooth right now. Well, except for the school works which are such pain in the neck, that is. What I have been really praying and hoping for was to have friends this time. By this, I mean not just mere acquaintances who I just talk to whenever there is a necessity to do so. I mean, friends... real friends. People who I can laugh at the silliest things with, or I don't know... it's so hard to define. It's so dramatic, I know. But if you have experienced being an outcast for once in your life, you'll understand why I am being so desperate trying to have friends. Luckily, God has given me what I have prayed for. FRIENDS! I am an irregular student and it feels great that I don't need to be scared of entering different rooms, fearing that I would be alone. I am very grateful that I am not an introvert person anymore this time in college. It feels good knowing I am not just an observer anymore, but one of the participators. Well, okay, still an observer in a way but not like before when I was actually non-existent. But there are still times when I feel like I am not part of their world, like they're so far away... like I am detached from them. I don't know if you've ever felt that way but some days I would sit there in the room with all these people and even these new friends I've mentioned earlier and I don't know... no matter how much I try to connect with them, I just feel like I'm...somewhere far away(?) even though I'm just inches away from them. That so-close-yet-so-far feeling. I feel like I'm floating, like a ghost or something. It is really queer. I reckon it's because I am not yet really showing them the real me, but I'm not sure. Sometimes I love it when I am detached from the world. Talking a lot stresses me out, which is another strange thing because I am very talkative around these new friends. But wait, I think I know why. Maybe it's because I am desperate to like, please them because I am desperate to have friends. But that's not the real me. It's so hard to fake-smile the entire day. Argh, I don't even know what 'm talking about. 

Anyway, it is such a shame to admit this but... I am slowly dying, spiritually. I know, I know. What a shame. I swear I hate this. I hate feeling this way. I am constantly trying to fight but sometimes things are eating much of my time that I don't have any more energy to talk to Him. And I have been doing things which I know don't glorify His name. I know in  a way, I am misrepresenting Him specially with my new friends. And everyday, every night I swear I am asking for an apology but I just feel like it's not enough. I feel like a fraud. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. 

Please pray for me. It has been an everyday battle. 

Sheresh