Dear friend,
I know it's been a while since I have posted an entry (a sensible one). Things have just been really complicated and too demanding of my time. I have a lot to tell that I don't even know where to start. When school started, I was partly terrified and partly excited. Terrified because I was about to venture into the college world, again. The last time I did, it wasn't much of a happy story. Excited because well, I was hoping things would be different the second time around. Fortunately, it's been going smooth right now. Well, except for the school works which are such pain in the neck, that is. What I have been really praying and hoping for was to have friends this time. By this, I mean not just mere acquaintances who I just talk to whenever there is a necessity to do so. I mean, friends... real friends. People who I can laugh at the silliest things with, or I don't know... it's so hard to define. It's so dramatic, I know. But if you have experienced being an outcast for once in your life, you'll understand why I am being so desperate trying to have friends. Luckily, God has given me what I have prayed for. FRIENDS! I am an irregular student and it feels great that I don't need to be scared of entering different rooms, fearing that I would be alone. I am very grateful that I am not an introvert person anymore this time in college. It feels good knowing I am not just an observer anymore, but one of the participators. Well, okay, still an observer in a way but not like before when I was actually non-existent. But there are still times when I feel like I am not part of their world, like they're so far away... like I am detached from them. I don't know if you've ever felt that way but some days I would sit there in the room with all these people and even these new friends I've mentioned earlier and I don't know... no matter how much I try to connect with them, I just feel like I'm...somewhere far away(?) even though I'm just inches away from them. That so-close-yet-so-far feeling. I feel like I'm floating, like a ghost or something. It is really queer. I reckon it's because I am not yet really showing them the real me, but I'm not sure. Sometimes I love it when I am detached from the world. Talking a lot stresses me out, which is another strange thing because I am very talkative around these new friends. But wait, I think I know why. Maybe it's because I am desperate to like, please them because I am desperate to have friends. But that's not the real me. It's so hard to fake-smile the entire day. Argh, I don't even know what 'm talking about.
Anyway, it is such a shame to admit this but... I am slowly dying, spiritually. I know, I know. What a shame. I swear I hate this. I hate feeling this way. I am constantly trying to fight but sometimes things are eating much of my time that I don't have any more energy to talk to Him. And I have been doing things which I know don't glorify His name. I know in a way, I am misrepresenting Him specially with my new friends. And everyday, every night I swear I am asking for an apology but I just feel like it's not enough. I feel like a fraud. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.
Please pray for me. It has been an everyday battle.
Sheresh
