to my one & only love

Dear future mate,

         I know this is quite queer... but I can't just contain all my emotions at the moment. With all the things I've learned recently about true love, I can't help but feel a pang of guilt. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I've been impatient. I've given my emotions, which should be reserved for you alone, away to people who don't rightfully own it. I have done things with the wrong people, things which should only be experienced with you. I have opened myself up to the wrong people emotionally and spiritually, when I should have waited to express myself in the most intimate way with you and you alone. And I am so sorry for letting them defraud you of these things. In the same way, I have also defrauded their future spouses of the same things. I am so sorry for stealing hearts away, and for letting the wrong people steal mine away. 

But fortunately, there's this amazing God who is so mighty He was able to put and restore pieces of my heart together again. I know I've sinned against you, but more than anyone, I know I've sinned most against Him. But with just one call, He bestowed me forgiveness... the kind of forgiveness that remembers my sins no more. It was so beautiful. And because of this, I am constantly inspired to keep moving forward as His new creation. Because of Him, I am encouraged to keep striving for purity - in both areas of physical and emotional. I have been so foolish to rush love, to write my own love story that I forgot the Love himself has the power to create the best one for me. How foolish was I to think that I could rival with the greatest Author in all history? But one could never comprehend His power to forgive and love the undeserving. And so, it is just proper to do the same. I forgive you, my love. Perhaps you've also doled your heart away to the wrong girls in the past. Perhaps at this very moment, you are holding the wrong person's hand, kissing the wrong lips, addressing those three words to the wrong recipient. It is not the best thing to imagine, but I know that it is possibly the exact scenario taking place right now, wherever you are. But know that when the time comes, I will look at you intently with same love and forgiveness God has given me. 

And I will wait for you. I have said this thousands of times before, and many times I've failed. Along my previous waiting experience, I came across few guys which made me compromise. But that was because I didn't have God with me on the journey. This time, I am more determined than I ever was to wait for you. I know that this time, I am not depending on my own strength but in His. I am fully aware that this is going to be hard, and there will be many times when I will be tempted to compromise again. But please be comforted that I will not,ever again, settle for any less. Be comforted that even at this very moment, I am already committed to you. 

I promise to withhold all the emotions and all forms of intimacy from any person until you come along, until God says it's time. And through Him, no matter how ugly the past was, I know that my future with you is going to be a beautiful adventure. Everything is going to be so beautiful and lovely. Everything will feel like first times, again. There are so many wonderful things to do... from watching marvelous sunrises and sunsets, having silly talks and deep conversations about life, chasing the end of the rainbow, counting constellations, overcoming fears, to exploring and capturing the beautiful things of the world... And man, I choose to experience it all with you and you alone. It will be so lovely having to be so intimate with someone I'm certain I'll spend the rest of my life with. And whilst we grow deeper into our relationship,we will also grow deeper together into our relationship with the One who crafted our story. I am so thrilled. Marriage is going to be so beautiful. And when that moment comes, we'll both know that the Author of love has written a far more beautiful story than any other film or book one has ever created.  

emotional purity

You are worth the commitment. 

I have been reiterating these words to myself recently. I want my mind, heart and soul to absorb the value of this statement. One thing common to all the involvements I had with guys before was this - a dearth of commitment. And all heartbreaks, I realized tardily, well up from lacking this very thing. 

I used to be an emotional prostitute. Giving my heart and emotions away freely to all the guys who came my direction. I fought so hard to deny this to myself, because it was such a shame to be called a prostitute of any form. But there was no use fooling one's self. I looked back at all the relationships I had and what an unfortunate thing to confirm that I was, truly, some sort of freebie. I opened myself to guys too much and bestowed emotions which did not rightfully belong to them. I became emotionally intimate with a string of guys without ever defining the relationship I had with them. Like any other girls, I've always wished for a happily ever after. I had wished for it in every relationship I had, but I've only realized lately that all the signs were there - those guys were not offering me such thing. Most of them only wanted me for a period of time, but not quite forever as I'd expected. The error was so clear, but I hadn't taken the time to focus on it. There was never an assurance of loyalty, of future plans... man, there was never a plan. There was never a commitment. All was just focused on the momentary pleasure emotional intimacy offered. 

Commitment first, and then intimacy.

I have learned that intimacy always comes right after commitment. In the book I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Josh Harris mentioned it a number of times: 

"The joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment."

The same thing can be said about the most important relationship we could ever have - our relationship with Christ. Heather Arnel Paulsen puts it like this in her book, Emotional Purity:

"Many of you would say that friendship is important in marriage, and I would wholeheartedly agree, but are you an intimate friend with Christ before you make a commitment? No! You grow into a deeply intimate friendship with Christ after you make a commitment."

After a long contemplation and many prayers, God gave me wisdom and helped me point out these errors I have committed in my previous relationships. He forgave me of my sins, healed my wounds and the best of all is that He restored my heart. It was a painful realization but surely, it would benefit me in the long run. And so, I made my stand. 

I will no longer give away pieces of my heart to just any guy who would come my direction. I will no longer open myself up too much and develop deep emotional attachments to just any person without ever defining one's motives and the assurance of commitment. And whilst physical purity is important, emotional purity is also of such equal importance... for emotional intimacy will bring about physical intimacy (Emotional Purity). I will no longer invest emotions on just any guy but rather, save it up for the one. Some say waiting wastes so much time. But I disagree. Sometimes, waiting saves more than just time... it can save a person from heartbreaks, disappointments, regrets and failures. And so I will wait. I will wait for him, and for the right time when God will orchestrate our very first meeting. Or the very moment when we'll both realize we are the rightful owners of each other, just in case I have already met him. Everything will again feel like first times. All the holding hands, kisses, deep conversations and intimacy I have withheld from any guy for a long time will then again feel like firsts with him. It will be a beautiful adventure of discovery. And so I will keep my heart guarded until the right man comes along to offer me a wonderful commitment for life.

Until then, I will praise the Lord as I wait. I will focus on Him and on being the woman that He wants me to be. I will perpetually remind myself that only and only because of Him that I can love wholeheartedly again despite doling away pieces of my heart in the past. That it is only through Him that the memory of being an emotional prostitute once was put into oblivion for eternity. It is through Him that I am a new creation. It is through & in Him that I found my true worth. Whilst my future spouse will certainly give me joy, my heart knows that the Lord is my ultimate source of joy and contentment. And even after my prince comes along, He will always be the King of my heart and life. Forever. 

(to learn more about emotional purity, I strongly suggest Emotional Purity by Heather Arnel Paulsen)