emotional purity

You are worth the commitment. 

I have been reiterating these words to myself recently. I want my mind, heart and soul to absorb the value of this statement. One thing common to all the involvements I had with guys before was this - a dearth of commitment. And all heartbreaks, I realized tardily, well up from lacking this very thing. 

I used to be an emotional prostitute. Giving my heart and emotions away freely to all the guys who came my direction. I fought so hard to deny this to myself, because it was such a shame to be called a prostitute of any form. But there was no use fooling one's self. I looked back at all the relationships I had and what an unfortunate thing to confirm that I was, truly, some sort of freebie. I opened myself to guys too much and bestowed emotions which did not rightfully belong to them. I became emotionally intimate with a string of guys without ever defining the relationship I had with them. Like any other girls, I've always wished for a happily ever after. I had wished for it in every relationship I had, but I've only realized lately that all the signs were there - those guys were not offering me such thing. Most of them only wanted me for a period of time, but not quite forever as I'd expected. The error was so clear, but I hadn't taken the time to focus on it. There was never an assurance of loyalty, of future plans... man, there was never a plan. There was never a commitment. All was just focused on the momentary pleasure emotional intimacy offered. 

Commitment first, and then intimacy.

I have learned that intimacy always comes right after commitment. In the book I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Josh Harris mentioned it a number of times: 

"The joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment."

The same thing can be said about the most important relationship we could ever have - our relationship with Christ. Heather Arnel Paulsen puts it like this in her book, Emotional Purity:

"Many of you would say that friendship is important in marriage, and I would wholeheartedly agree, but are you an intimate friend with Christ before you make a commitment? No! You grow into a deeply intimate friendship with Christ after you make a commitment."

After a long contemplation and many prayers, God gave me wisdom and helped me point out these errors I have committed in my previous relationships. He forgave me of my sins, healed my wounds and the best of all is that He restored my heart. It was a painful realization but surely, it would benefit me in the long run. And so, I made my stand. 

I will no longer give away pieces of my heart to just any guy who would come my direction. I will no longer open myself up too much and develop deep emotional attachments to just any person without ever defining one's motives and the assurance of commitment. And whilst physical purity is important, emotional purity is also of such equal importance... for emotional intimacy will bring about physical intimacy (Emotional Purity). I will no longer invest emotions on just any guy but rather, save it up for the one. Some say waiting wastes so much time. But I disagree. Sometimes, waiting saves more than just time... it can save a person from heartbreaks, disappointments, regrets and failures. And so I will wait. I will wait for him, and for the right time when God will orchestrate our very first meeting. Or the very moment when we'll both realize we are the rightful owners of each other, just in case I have already met him. Everything will again feel like first times. All the holding hands, kisses, deep conversations and intimacy I have withheld from any guy for a long time will then again feel like firsts with him. It will be a beautiful adventure of discovery. And so I will keep my heart guarded until the right man comes along to offer me a wonderful commitment for life.

Until then, I will praise the Lord as I wait. I will focus on Him and on being the woman that He wants me to be. I will perpetually remind myself that only and only because of Him that I can love wholeheartedly again despite doling away pieces of my heart in the past. That it is only through Him that the memory of being an emotional prostitute once was put into oblivion for eternity. It is through Him that I am a new creation. It is through & in Him that I found my true worth. Whilst my future spouse will certainly give me joy, my heart knows that the Lord is my ultimate source of joy and contentment. And even after my prince comes along, He will always be the King of my heart and life. Forever. 

(to learn more about emotional purity, I strongly suggest Emotional Purity by Heather Arnel Paulsen)